Day 0: Retraining My Understanding of Productivity

Today would have been the last day of shelter-in-place before life went “back to normal” according to our original order here in Chicago. Of course, I knew then that it wouldn’t be our last day, and I suspect now that April 30th will not be our last day hunkered down in our homes. In the grand scheme of things, I am lucky. I have a roof over my head, and savings, and though I don’t have a job right now, I am okay. I’ll have to reassess in the coming months, but for now I. am. fine. I live with the person I love and we aren’t sick of each other. We play board games and we joke around and act silly. But still, things aren’t right and they aren’t endlessly joyous.

And most of all they aren’t productive.

As a person, and an artist, I have lived my life in the world of “go, go, go.” I hate not having things to do and I love being busy. I love being busy for two reasons: 1) to show the world I can do it…whatever “it” is and 2) to distract myself from the rampant anxiety and depression that live inside my brain. When I have too much time, they take control. They are in charge.

When this shelter-in-place order started, I was incredibly determined to be wildly productive. I was going to read a million books, and write a million projects. I was going to bake. I even started selling my embroideries to keep me busy! A budding entrepreneur! How productive is that!

Since the order has started, I have read one and a half books. I have written a page and half of the pilot I have been working on for over a year. I have baked a lot of banana bread (mostly due to an abundance of rotting bananas.) I have promised a lot of people embroideries that I can’t get myself to finish.

And I keep apologizing to them about the embroideries. And I apologize to myself about not baking those scones I have been planning on making for three…four…five…days. I feel awful when I realize it’s been days since I said I would do something and I haven’t done it. My brain says “well you have tomorrow…and the tomorrow after…and all the tomorrows after that.” There doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. When will tomorrow turn into a day that has purpose? And why is it that I can’t find purpose in the days I have?

I’m not saying that I am unique in these feelings. That’s far from the truth. Many of my friends, those who are artists and those who are not, are saying these things. Few of us feel productive. Few of us feel inspired. And some of us are more okay at accepting that.

I am not.

And here’s the thing: I do not judge anyone else on their productivity or lack there of because heck! what are we supposed to be doing right now? But I cannot extend this feeling to myself. For some reason, it feels like proof that I was never meant to be an artist, that the facade has finally broken and everyone can see me for what I really am: a fraud. Because I am struggling to create right now, I have proven that I could never really create at all.

And how am I supposed to go back?? After all this, how am I supposed to go back and create and act like I never felt this devastating lack of creativity? Even though, most of the time, it is all I want. All I want is to be in a room with my friends, my peers, my collaborators, and just make something stupid. I even dreamt last night that I was in a room directing. There was really nothing else to it. No weird dream magic. No last minute stresses. I was just directing. I was creating. I had ideas and thoughts and insights into something!

I’d like to take this dream as a sign that it’s my anxiety and depression talking. That they are the ones pounding my productivity level into a pulp. They are saying, “you aren’t worthy and you never have been.” And that all of that is something I can talk about in therapy and work on and “fix.”

And the truth is they said these things to me long before the pandemic and I am sure they will say it after. And that’s the thing. This is a PANDEMIC. It’s a global catastrophe. And here I am whining about my lack of productivity while I sip my coffee and eat my eggs. I am so lucky to be lacking creativity and ambition in the situation that I am in.

I think productivity right now may just look like whatever it looks like. Two days ago I finished two embroideries and that was a win for that day. Today I wrote this. Tomorrow maybe I will finally bake those scones. Who knows.

Tomorrow would have been day 0 [zero days since last shelter in place order due to global pandemic.] But for now it’s just another day. On the other side of this, the world will not be the same. It cannot be. And, frankly, it shouldn’t be. So I wonder what I will look like on the other side of this. I don’t think I’ll be the same and that’s okay.

Hannah BakerComment