The Depression Loop-de-loop

Every morning I wake up and the the first thing I think is, “What am supposed to be doing?”

Every night before I fall asleep, I think, “Okay. Tomorrow I am going to do X Y and Z.” I am really good at making plans and apparently not very good at following through with them. I used to be good at following through with them, but now on day 28 (29?) (1000?) I am not so good at it.

I spend a lot of time looking at nothing on my phone and I’ve gotten back into the youtube wormholes of my youth. I have watched a lot of mediocre performances of For Good from Wicked. I have a bad habit of watching amateur music theater Youtube videos until I feel physically ill from staring at the screen for so long.

Back in the height of one of my depressive episodes, I used to stay up watching these videos until 3 or 4 in the morning. My sleep schedule was absolutely destroyed and I did most of my sleeping from 5am to 1pm. This was in the fall of 2016 (ah how young we all were then.) I had graduated in May and was new to Chicago. I was probably the most depressed I had ever been, except for maybe during my senior year of high school. But is there really any use in defining which point in my life was most depressing? I have chronic depression. She comes and she goes and she is sort of always around. The point is, during the fall of 2016 I couldn’t get anything done. I was a recent college graduate with a degree in theater, a shitty job, and a bad relationship (sorry to that man.) I was on the pill and it was making me even more depressed. My job didn’t start until 3pm and that didn’t help my sleep situation.

During that time I think I was too depressed to even ask, “What am I supposed to be doing?” I was mostly sleeping and crying. In fact, there was an extended period of time where I would have a panic attack at 3am every single night. In some ways, it was a pro because I usually cried so hard that I tired myself out and could fall asleep. It was a con because it was a panic attack and generally those are bad.

I have had so many different depressive episodes in my life that really they are probably just one long episode with peaks and valleys. If we do the math, which at this point you all know I am very good at doing the math, we can determine that I have been depressed 90% of my life. Since 2016, I have developed a lot of healthy coping mechanisms. I go to therapy now. I am on medication. And I am incredibly lucky to be able to see my therapist (now via video) and take my medication. Both have been instrumental in getting me to the headspace I am in now. I cannot imagine what my brain would be doing right now if I didn’t have these things.

Again, I am not trying to complain about my situation. I am privileged for so many fucking reasons. But if I am struggling with my mental health right now, I can only imagine how others in less fortunate situations are faring. And if you know anything about me, it’s that I really don’t mind talking about depression candidly. I think it’s important to acknowledge that it is fairly common and that there are so many people who cannot afford or do not have access to the help that they need. And that makes times like this even harder. This time is like a forced depression.

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When I am depressed the following things happen:

1) I don’t sleep well. There are too many thoughts in my head and also no thoughts at all and both cause me to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

2) I withdraw from my friends. I flake so easily. Because seeing people and talking to them feels impossible.

3) I get existential (even more so than I am naturally). This on occasion turns towards suicidal. (This is not meant to be shocking. It’s just the truth. I am very fortunate to have had people around me that care and have helped dig me out of these holes.)

4) Small tasks feel impossible to finish. At the height of my depression, these tasks can include brushing my teeth, showering, eating. Sometimes they are just things like putting on a real bra.

5) I cannot focus on anything, which normally means I start one million things and don’t finish any of them and then I consequently get mad at myself for not being able to get anything done.

6) I am quick to anger. Everything feels overwhelming and bad and it makes me angry. As a teen, this meant I yelled at my poor mother a lot.

When I am put in a shelter-in-place order the following things happen:

1) I don’t sleep well. Time has no meaning. When is bed time? Bed time is all the time and none of the time.

2) I cannot see my friends. I guarantee you the moment I can see my friends again I will cry really hard and they may never want to see me again after that.

3) I get existential (even more so than I am naturally.) I start to wonder why I made every choice I have ever made. Why did I decide to study theater? Should I have become a doctor like my parents wanted? Or a lawyer? Does it turn out I am absolutely useless? MAYBE.

4) Small tasks feeling impossible to finish. See: all my embroideries I owe everyone. I haven’t forgotten you I promise! They just each feel like a giant mountain that I have to climb and I have no strength. NBD.

5) I cannot focus on anything, which normally means I start one million things and don’t finish any of them. See: all my embroideries, this blog, the watercolors, trying to relearn the guitar, all the recipes I have bookmarked, and on and on. Last night I decided I was going to start making my own conditioner from scratch. Like what. the. fuck. am I thinking?

6) I am quick to anger. Everything feels overwhelming and bad and it makes me angry. I do have to say I don’t anger as quickly at people, but the world is bad and that makes me angry. And it’s overwhelming because there are so many things going wrong that I don’t even know where to begin.

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This shelter-in-place has reminded me how easy it is to just fall right back into my little depressive tendencies. The cozy familiarity of deep, deep sadness. Pessimism trumps hope and I call it being realistic instead of being cynical.

Anyone who struggles with depression likely knows this feeling. Cozying up to the familiar evil instead of the unknown one. The unknown one right now is so unknown. The world is turned upside down.

I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing. I can’t answer that question. The only thing I know to do is to stay in my g-dang house. I can do that. I have to do it, but also I want to do it. I want this to end. I want to protect others. Normally, protecting others means being with them. Not right now.

Something else I can do is choose to be a little more patient with myself. I have been trying to be patient with myself. To remind myself that this isn’t my fault. But neither is my depression. So I guess I should be more patient with myself about my mental health. (Woah! We are learning!) I can also choose to have patience with myself for the days I don’t have any patience at all. It’s all one big loop of patience meeting lack of patience meeting patience again. A loop-de-loop. Much like my depression, my patience comes and she goes.

Not much going on these days other than lots of loop-de-loops, but hey, an emotional rollercoaster is still an adventure, right?